- oh, long johnson. - i'm not sure, but i think it said war between our species is inevitable, that evolution cannot be stopped, and the cats will rise. it said we cannot coexist, and then it said, "oh, don piano," and then something about seeing the streets of human cities run red with the blood of their children. - okay, that's good. a little higher. - okay, cool. i'm gonna go left to right. is that good? - yeah, that's awesome. - okay, whenever you're ready. - all right, here we-- - [meows] - no, kitty, you got to keep quiet. - [meows] - no, kitty! that's a bad kitty! - whoa, what's this? - what, have you been living under a rock? this is the new meme, cat breaded taylor swift reporting. - all right, go, cartman. - taylor swift is dangerous! taylor swift is dangerous! - that's pretty cool. - yeah, it's cool. it's awesome. - it's super awesome. - yeah, yeah. we got it down, you guys. think we're ready for the big time. - [meows] - shut up, kitty! - with the inevitable species war looming,

our country's brightest leaders have come together to debate and reason with the ambassador of cats. it's called "puddy whistling," and the question on everyone's mind: who will be the first person to die from it? - w--well, you know, i ran for president four years ago. this was the position i described when i ran four years ago. - if you want to be an american, the first thing you should do is respect-- - i'll ask you a simple question. how big a scale of change do we want-- - oh, long johnson. - i started working with governor reagan-- - oh, long johnson. - it just expanded, in fact, over half the people-- - oh, long johnson. - my dad and mom worked for the veteran's administration. i grew up on va grants. - oh, long johnson. - lived in an apartment on those va grants. - oh, long johnson. - i have five sons, five daughters-in-law... - oh, long johnson. - 16 grandkids, and they're the joy of my life. - you were wrong, and you didn't. - oh, long johnson. - it's not gonna be the most attractive thing-- - oh, long johnson. - you know, it took me 10 or 12 years to figure out-- - oh, long johnson. [applause] - foxtrot standing by at position alpha. - copy, foxtrot. let's fly in the goods, tango.

- [muffled] - standing by in three seconds. two, one. go, cartman. - let's do this. [dramatic music] ♪ [applause] - cartman? go, cartman. - come on, dude. hurry. - no. no! i won't do it. i won't do it, do you hear me? i'm better than this. and to hell with you, mister kitty! you're a bad kitty! bad! bad kitty! it's time somebody stood up and did the right thing. [snaps fingers] [dramatic music] - yeah, do it, cartman. - ♪ all right, football night ♪

♪ what do you do? ♪ get out your camera and a boobie or two ♪ - wow! - ♪ you got to get serious ♪ - have you ever seen faith hilling that good? - ♪ come on, everybody, it's faith hilling time ♪ ♪ dancin', rappin', titties flappin' ♪ ♪ where are you? ♪ this is the only memeing i'll ever do ♪ - oh, long johnson. - ♪ is a meme i won't buy ♪ ♪ 'cause i'm faith hilling till the day i die ♪ - and so, in the face of war, a little boy reminds us all what being human really means. the message is unclear, but it doesn't matter, as long as you give the audience a song, celebrity bashing, and republican hopefuls dancing around with boobies. it's called "pandering," and all over the country, people are-- [train whistle blowing] oh! oh, long johns-- pow!

>> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to "the daily show". my name is jon stewart. journalist stephen brism he is the author of atime magazine cover story on what sailing our health care system. it turns out our health care system has price cancer and no insurance. [laughter] we've been discussing this week on the program how republicans led by senators lindsey graham

and salty mccain are holding up the nominees for the defense and c.i.a. until the senators get the information on what happened in benghazi including who changed the talking points susan rice used on the sunday morning shows so we can be sure no americans are harmed again by the talking points. >> whatever was said based on information provided by the intelligence community on a series of sunday shows bears no relevance on the ultimate questions of what happened in benghazi. there's an obvious political obsession over a series of talk points that again bears no relevance on the essential issues here. >> just a lot of pauses. very quickly. they are not important. they are not relevant. they are not germane. you can't have them anyway but lately there's an interesting

twist. some democrats apparently deciding -- democrats deciding that what is -- what is the phrase i'm looking for? >> what is sauce for the goose is now sauce for the gander. >> jon: no, no, that's not it. i'm thinking of the other poultry based expression. >> keep (bleep) that chicken. >> jon: keep (bleep) that chicken. that's the one. [laughter] democrats saw republicans (bleep) that chicken. [ laughter ] and they thought i want to get me some of that. >> it's some in the president's own party that are threatening to hold up brennan's nomination. oregon senator ron wyden telling reporters he would pull out all the stops to get answers about the legality of americans targeted by al qaeda overseas. >> jon: oooh the senator from oregon is going to pull out all

the stops. someone is going get a letter on artisnal hemp -- dam you soy ink. free range pens? what are they saying to the president. >> they've written say fug don't share with us some of the legal memos drafted by the department of justice toll valid date the drone killing of american citizens overseas we're going to make life more difficult for john brennan. >> jon: that's a wiseguy like. nice nominee you got there be a shame if something happened to him, mr. president. this might be a good time to remind democrats that the president has a drone program with ambiguous restraints and murky legal justification. this is all for naught. i'm sure he will share the drone e-mails. he pretty much said so a week and a half ago. >> in the months ahead i'll

continue to engage congress to ensure not only that our targeting, detention and prosecution of terrorists remains consistent with our laws and system of check and balances but that our efforts are more transparent to the american people and to the world. >> jon: starting with our nuclear codes. 4-13-8 -- now, some americans want to change the codes. he will be asked the security question what hospital were you born in? it's me and the answer, of course, nairobi memorial. wait, hold on! so -- the republicans want information on the benghazi attack which the white house says is pointless. the democrat s wan to know the legal justification for the drone killing which the president says is totally legitimate. it's clear what the president is going to do next. >> the norkts reports the -- "new york times" reports they are cooperating.

rather than agreeing with democrats to release classified information on the legal just fictions involved in the targeted killing drone program. >> jon: what? do you remember the state of the union with the promise of transparency on the drones. the state of the union speech promises are supposed to be slightly more durable than new year's resolutions. it's been ten days, my man. i was on atkins after january 1 for 12 days. come on. i shouldn't be surprised. there was the telltale cutaway as he was talking about transparency during the state of the union. >> that our efforts are more transparent to the american people and to the world. [ applause ] [laughter] >> jon: even obama thought that sentence was (bleep). [laughter] by the main question this raises is: what is in those drone

memos that is so terrible the white house will give anything including information previously not seen about the benghazi attacks not to have to release them? the more we go to senior intelligence correspondent assif mandvi in washington. thank you for joining us. i understand, assif, if i'm not mistaken, you have obtained a copy of drone memos. >> what? um -- >> jon: are those the drone memos right there assif? >> right where? where? >> jon: in your hand. you got the -- >> no, no, no memos. never saw any memos, jon. i saw them oh, my god. >> jon: what are you looking up for? what is the up there? what is the problem, what are you looking up for? >> not any white house authorized domestic death drones. that's for sure.

>> jon: is that a bullet-proof vest. there are drones here in america flying -- wait shall what? >> i would know nothing about that. so there would be no point in taking me out because i did not see the memos. oh, my god i saw them, jon. holy (bleep) i saw them! >> jon: are names named? is there a kill list? is it funded by friends of hamas? >> sorry, jon. it's getting cold here. are you cold? >> jon: oh, yes, did the memos describe how the president gets justification for the drone strikes, the process through which the drone strikes are vetted? >> it's warming up a little bit. >> jon: yes, yes it's a memo -- is it like a oh, bide season a cyborg killing machine? >> no, no a cold breeze just came through jon, so -- >> jon: okay, okay.

so it's like secret courts and stuff, yeah? >> please, listen to me, okay? if you think that the memo states that president obama from his desk can currently operate drones to kill any one anywhere at any time with no legal restrictions using a special x-box controller then you are crazy. you are not crazy that's what they say. oh, my god i saw them. >> jon: oh, my god, assif that's an amazing report. you just -- get home safe assif. get home safe. >> there is no assif. just the sound of wind blowing through the trees. [making wind sounds] assif is dead. there's no way to find him or detect his biometric heat signature. >> jon: biometric heat signatures is that how they do it? >> i wouldn't know i'm just a tree. >> jon: right, right, a tree.

you wouldn't know if a biometric heat signature is the thing that makes drones find you. thanks very much, tree. get home safe, tree and assif, you do know in february trees don't have leaves, right? >> dammit! [laughter] >> jon: stay safe, tree. we'll backht back>> jon: welco,

everybody. as many pundits will tell you the obama administration is a fascist, socialist marxist dictatorship from which there can be no escape other than death. or is there another way out? jessica williams has more. >> with the divisive election behind us america's citizens are moving past partisan talking points to engage in a reasonable discussion of -- >> i hate the united states government. >> really? >> yes ma'am. >> why? >> because they are trying to oppress us. the united states government is retiring. >> right, okay. >> so apparently in texas people like larry and lynn are tired of living under the jackboot of a democratically elected government hell bent on stripping them of freedoms they hold dear. >> one of the things that texas is loves, you can still talk -- allows, you can still talk on the cell phone and text while you are driving. >> really? >> yes, that's how much freedom texans want to keep. >> and if we can't even decide

on things like that, they are huge tyrants. >> jon: what does the word tyrant mean to you as opposed to what it means to everybody else. >> tyrant like hitler or lincoln who murders the people for their own political gain. >> you think lincoln is tyrant? >> yes, ma'am. >> it's not something you normally hear. >> no, it's not but lincoln and hitler are very similar but most are not aware of it. >> hitler killed 600,000 jews. lincoln killed 600,000 americans. >> did lincoln give liberties to people as well? >> not that i know of. >> no liberties that you can think of? >> no ma'am. >> but don't worry his fresh historical perspectives have not gone unnoticed. >> i ran for senate in 2008 and

received 22 5,000 votes. >> 22 5,000 votes. get the (bleep) out of here! yes the idea of is a seeding from the united states is popular in texas but thankfully not with everyone. bob wilson of arlington. >> texas cannot is secede from e united states because they need ceded anything to the united states at all. >> apparently a clerical error in the annexation agreement of 1845 proves texas never legally joined the union and bob's mail order documents are officially detailed and extremely well laminated. >> let me get this straight. i'm in a foreign land? >> yes. >> seriously i'm not just talking to a delusional old dude outside of dallas, texas? >> the republic of texas has a full government. i bob wilson and a senator from

district 8. >> you are a senator? >> yes. >> awesome. i'm a lieutenant in the kiss army. could this make believe nation be the new land lynn and larry were looking for. >> i would love them to be biblical law counties. >> you want a place where people can worship freely as christians. >> yes ma'am. guns we can't even have the bullets we want. >> you can own any kind of gun you want. >> texas isn't allowed to execute folks that rape people. >> can we kill rapists? please say yes, please say yes. >> if found guilty, yes. definitely. >> clearly the time had come for lynn and larry to leave the secular land a place where churches had to be disguised as shopping malls. i told them to gather the hundreds of thousands of like minded pilgrims and go to a new world. welcome all ye -- there's only four of you guys. you guys only got two dudes.

(bleep) okay, fine. let's go. and so we brave five set forth on our journey. >> our vessel. ♪ let the river run. ♪ let all the dreamers -- look the puritan forbearers our trip would be long and arduous. let us gather and discuss the dreams we have for this new land. >> i want a place where we can -- >> hold on we're here. hold that thought. >> and 1.65 miles from where our journey began we arrived in a new land. a land of freedom, a lond of god, a land known as bob's house. >> welcome to the republic of texas. >> thank you, everyone come on in. >> as they settled for a joyous first thanksgiving i suddenly knew the relief the british must have felt 400 years ago when

these guys finally (bleep) left. let's go back that truck up! what just happened? >> jon: thank you, jessica.

>> jon: welcome back my guest tonight a journalist who has written "bitter pill" why medical bills are killing us.

please welcome to the program stephen brill. [cheers and applause] this is -- thanks for coming on. this is an unbelievable article. it's called why medical bills are killing us. i'm accustomed to being angry -- [laughter] -- when i readtime magazine. -- read "time" magazine cover stories mostly because it's like" are angels real"? but this is 36 pages of incredibly thoroug journal -- i forgot how to pronounce it. >> could you call it reporting. >> jon: reporting. >> there you go. >> jon: this is the kind of thing that i cannot believe during this entire debate over obamacare comprehensive reporting of health care costs was not out there. >> that drove me crazy, too.

i was curious about the first question. we debated the second question which is who should pay the high bills. we never asked the first question which is why are the bills so high. >> jon: right. >> that's what it's about. it follows the money. bill by bill. seven bills. tells you who is making what money. >> jon: i think people would be surprised that not for profit hospital make a lot of money. >> they make a ton of money and the c.e.o.s of your local hospital in any town or city in this country are typically the best paid c.e.o.s in town if it's a small town. >> jon: now, what you found is very little correlation between what they charge you and what things cost. >> exactly right. >> why should there be? if you buy shoes, a rich guy

like you buying a $200 pair -- >> jon: sure. let me say this timberland's don't come cheap. >> no, i know. you go to a store and want to buy shoes. >> jon: that's right. >> instead of $200 the guy says that is $6,000. you can decide not to buy the shoes. better yet you can go up the block and see if they have a different price. none of that happens with health care. you are an involuntary entering to the marketplace. you don't wake up and say i want to go to the emergency room and see what is for sale. >> jon: maybe i'll visit a few and see the best place to get my april district mi -- appendectomy? >> right. there's no marketplace in the most important sense of the definition does the buyer have any power at all. the buyer doesn't buy

voluntarily. they have no idea what the price is and if the buyer did have any idea he wouldn't have a choice because a doctor sent him to that hospital or said you need that blood test or that cat scan and the result is predicable which is what you have here. everybody is making a ton of money except the doctors and the nurses. but the people who make the equipment whether it's canes or cat scans. >> jon: right. >> the people who run labs and tests and god knows the people who run the hospital they are making a ton of money. >> we live in an alternate universe. there are two economies in this country. there's the economies of all of us and the island, health care economy. we've had a pretty rough time over the last four or fives, six years in our economy. there's a lot of unemployment, a lot of pressure on us. not on that island. everybody just keeps making more money. >> jon: right. >> it's as if they don't exist

in the universe and worst of all, the money they are making they are taking from all of us and bankrupting the country and it's bankrupting people. 60% of the personal bankruptcies in this country come from medical bills. >> jon: what is crazy to me is when you begin to tease it apart. when you begin to deconstruct it, it's made of sand. as i'm reading it's 36 pages. as you get higher and higher in the pages you feel like chuck yaeger breaking the sound barrier. i was like oh, my god. by page ten i was like i can't take it anymore. there's something -- you cannot believe this. there's something called the charge master. >> right. >> jon: and the charge master sets the price. so if you want an mri that's $6,000 according to the charge master. if you good through medicare it's $500. the charge master says $6,000. >> but the charge master is -- the bridgeport connecticut